Teaching kids to NOT become victims----

     I have not written a piece in some time, however the news in our community about bullying in our school has been on my mind.  Of course I totally agree with Budd Dorr, Board of Education president, that we need to teach our children to be kind and respectful towards all those around them.  I also commend our school for beginning to try and address the issue of bullying since the events in Newtown CT so closely affected some families in our community.  I know that our school is working on creating a safe and respectful environment.  However, I also recognize that we will never totally eliminate bullying and that when our children go out into the world, they will still face issues of bullying in the workplace, college etc.

      The more I read about the issues of bullying as well as children who are victims of bullying, it appears kids on both sides of the issue usually have problems with social skills.  The bully may be a child who is not able to initiate friendly interactions with other kids.  They may have low self esteem and try to build themselves up by picking on vulnerable peers. Bullies can usually be identified with observation of their interactions.  Teachers ( as well as parents etc) can be trained to spot kids who are bullying or beginning to show tendencies towards bullying. 

     I have personally witnessed staff in our elementary school addressing the problem of a child who was beginning to exhibit bullying behaviors.  First, the teacher took notice that this particular child was becoming a "ring leader" and targeting others with mean actions.  That teacher addressed the issue head-on by alerting the parent of the problem, and following up with administrative and counseling staff at our school. The child was placed in a group which is being taught social skills, including being respectful and kind, in order to eliminate the bullying behavior.  The situation was being addressed and continually monitored.  The teachers, staff and administration were working as a team with communication regarding progress.

     On the other side of the issue is teaching kids not to become targets of bullying or how to handle it when it occurs.  I also think children who are more likely to become victims, can be identified as well.  They can be taught social skills like how to stand up for themselves; ways to walk and even talk to others; ways to handle bullying etc.  These kids will not learn these skills easily. Lots of practice that involves role-playing will be necessary.  

     We really need to create children who are not afraid to stand up for themselves, rather than depending upon the approval of others.  Too often, kids won't speak up when they feel insecure.  For example, words can be extremely hurtful.  But if the victim doesn't know how to voice his/her discomfort, the problem won't be addressed. There are even times that others don't even realize they have hurled hurtful words.  We have to teach kids to feel confident enough to express their feelings. They have to know how to set boundaries and say no.  

     There is so much more information on addressing bullying.  I challenge all of us, school staff, parents, community members etc to continue to address bullying and learn what  actions we can take to eliminate it.  I also personally challenge each of us to take the time to be involved in our childrens' lives.  I also encourage people that if you see a child who is likely to be a victim of bullying, take time to give that child a place where his voice can be heard. If you witness bullying, step in and then follow up to change the behavior.  By addressing social skills needed by our young people, we will help them to succeed throughout life.

     

     

Maybe your mother does know a thing or two------

This could be any parent's story while their children happen to participate in any kind of competition.  For our family, summer competition just happens to involve showing dairy cattle.  We were at a youth show.  An activity packed three days with a few hundred 4-H youth and close to 700 project animals.  The heat was intense, the mud was deep and the kids were all working hard.

This is a youth show.  A place for the kids to show the project animals that they have raised and cared for over the previous year or more.  They all begin their competitions with "Showmanship" classes.  No matter which species they have, they are judged on the the condition of their animal; it's training; their cleaning and grooming and then how well they show the animal to it's best advantage.  The competition can be fierce and the smallest details end up separating the top few showpersons.

My girls are old enough that they need little guidance or help from me.  I am trying to step back and let them succeed or fail on their own.  On the morning of the show, I took a stroll through the cattle tent to see how they were doing.  I mentioned to my youngest, " I think you may want to clean your heifer's ears a little better."  Her answer was, "I already did and I think they are fine."  I could have told her to do it again, but I walked away and told her good luck.

I was very proud of her as I watched her showmanship class.  It was obvious the judge had narrowed it down to a top few kids.  He kept working them waiting for the littlest mistakes.  He even had them switch animals to see how well they did with animals they did not own.  The sweat was rolling down my daughter's face as she concentrated.  In the final line-up, she stood second in a long line of youth.  I was pleased for her.  Then came the judges comments as the youth were awarded their ribbons and the pulled their animals out for the audience to view.  I mentally said, "Yes!" as the judge mentioned that the detail that separated my daughter from the young man in first was that the inside of her animal's ears were not as clean.  I was thankful that his comment reinforced my earlier comment.

So then after congratulating her ( with no "I told you so" s), I walked her back to the tent.  I mentioned to my older daughter that the judge was really looking into the ears.  She also said that her heifer's ears were clean enough.  Another good luck to her.

Again, I watched my second child compete well in the ring.  This time, you could see the judge had narrowed it down to the top three, who happened to be girls who were friends from the same county.  My daughter ended up in third of a long line.  Then again, the judges comments mentioned that my daughter should have cleaned farther down in her heifer's ears. A seemingly minor detail was what it took to separate the top three.

Afterwards, I knew that I could have "made" my girls clean their heifers ears more.  However, the lesson was worth so much more than blue ribbons.  Hopefully, they both learned that maybe their mother does have good advice at times.  I hope this lesson stays with them through their teenage years as the obstacles they face include more than just summer cattle shows.

The Giving List.

I'm sure most parents have seen a Christmas list prepared by their children.  As soon as the holiday season is approaching, we see lists of items they want for Christmas.  Parents can teach so much by helping their children make a "giving list" for Christmas as well.  They can make a list of their family members, grandparents, neighbors, friends etc. and plan what they will give as gifts. 

Money doesn't have to be a limiting factor.  Children can give homemade gifts, items they've baked with their family or even gifts of time and talent. Grandparents love homemade items or pictures. My girls made their grandmother a memory board for pictures of her grandchildren.  They could give an older person a card good for snow shoveling or lawn mowing.  They can give a sibling a favorite toy they've outgrown.  A young man I know gave his little sister his DS and she was truly excited.  Older siblings can give younger ones the promise of a fun outing.

One of our own family's traditions has been a family shopping trip where we divided up and helped the younger children shop for siblings and parents.  Younger kids had a budget of funds we had given them.  As they grew older, they used their own money to purchase family gifts. Meaningful  giving should really involve some sacrifice on the giver's part.

Children can also learn to give with grace.  In other words, giving freely and expecting nothing in return.  You can help them find opportunities to do this by giving charitable gifts in secret.  An example would be by taking part in the giving tree at church or the community Christmas program.  When shopping for the recipient, take time to discuss what these gifts mean for both the recipient and your own child. 

Our children should have the fun of making their own Christmas wish list.  But I challenge you to help them to make their "Giving List" as well.  They may find that by completing and following through on their giving list, they actually gain more satisfaction than when opening their own gifts.  Isn't giving what Christmas is really about?

  

Do as I say----

We have all heard the cliche, "Do as I say, not as I do."   We all know that in  reality our children will imitate many of the things that we do, both good and bad.  Parents and caregivers are often young childrens' primary role models. Of course we want our children to model values like honesty, integrity, compassion, hard work, dependability, etc.  First of all, we need to be sure to spend time with our children so that they will learn from us. We also need to encourage our children to engage in activities that provide positve role models in their lives.  But as children grow older, they will be exposed to an expanded world that can often include many negative rold models as well.  We should stay aware of who our kids are involved with, what activities are they engaged in and who they see as their own role models.   When our children look up to celebrities or sports figures who make wrong choices, we should discuss this with them.  We need to help our children to realize that just because someone is famous, doesn't mean they make good choices.  We might ask our children why a choice was bad, what do they think the consequences may be and what could that person have done that would have had a more positive outcome.  Finally, we have to remember that since parents can have the majority of influence on our kids, we should try to model what we want them to become.  They will eventually do as we do.

Preparing children to leave----

Our youngest is spending her first full week away from home at a summer camp.  Needless to say,  this kind of experience can be hard on both the child and the parent/s.  Whether you are sending your child to his first year of school, camp or even away to college, there are things that you can do to make this transition easier.

Set a pattern of being confident about goodbyes beginning with toddlerhood.  When you have to leave your child, be confident about leaving.  Act as if it's no big deal.  Do not act upset in front of the child.  I realize many a mom will be teary after dropping their freshman off at their college dorm.  Save the tears for the car ride home.

Never sneak out in a goodbye situation.  This will only scare the child and make her more insecure with the situation.  Be clear about when you are leaving and when you plan to return.

Provide age appropriate experiences over the years for your child.  Overnights can begin at Grandma's and progress to trips out of town with non relatives or youth organizations.  Our kids have traveled to summer camps and even out of state with 4-H.

Before a planned seperation, make sure your child knows that you love them.  Let them know you are proud of them and excited for their new adventure.  Spend time with them planning for the upcoming event.  Guide them to prepare. This may mean helping them to shop and pack for the event.  Involve them in the preparation.  Don't do it for them.

Finally, you can make the transition easier by providing a surprise for them.  This could be a note in their school lunchbox or a care package sent to their college dorm.  However, be careful of hovering.  With today's technology, it may be easy to remain too involved by daily texting or emailing.  Use judgement and let them know you are available when they need to talk.

I received a short note from our daughter in the mail today.  Yes- I provided her with an addressed stamped envelope.  It began with, "Yes Mom, I am still alive."  The brevity of the text leads me to believe that she was in a hurry to continue her fun!  I guess I'll have to wait to find out what she did all week.  Isn't that part of parenthood--- learning to let go?

Helping teens develop a sense of purpose.

The headlines in our paper and talk throughout our rual town has been about the recent rash of burgularies inlcuding  dozens of reports of breakins, thefts and vandalism.  Even the skate park, which should have been appreciated enough to avoid damage has had to be closed because of vandalism. These events make me think that maybe the youth in our area do not have enough of a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose?  How does that relate?  I see numerous kids hanging out with too little to do on a daily basis.  They have no clear purpose in their everyday lives.

William Damone, professor at Stanford University did research (in 2008) on young adults/teens and their sense of purpose.  He found the about 25% of the youth were what he called "disengaged."  They are living only for the here and now.  They are out for a "good time" and not considering any longterm consequences. 

He labeled another 25% as "dreamers."  These are the youth who have unrealistic goals and expectations for their life.  They may think that they are going to have a profession like movie producer, rock star, sports hero.  I am not saying these goals are not attainable.  A young man comes to mind who is from Waterville and is a movie producer.  What makes him different from the dreamers is that both he and his parents had goals along with hard work meant to achieve his dreams.

Then there were the 30% that William Damone called "dabblers."  These were the young adults who try everything, but commit to nothing.  These people drift from one focus to another leaving no time to attain any goals.

Finally, only about 20% of the youth interviewed were labeled as "engaged" with a sense of purpose. Research has shown that people's happiness is at its peak when they are pursueing goals that interest, compel and challenge them.  It's also important that people feel that they are doing something that matters and will make a contribution to life.

What can we do as parents?  I think all of us have to help our children, especially teens to find their own path to purpose in life.  We need to continually keep the communication going about both short and long term goals.  This may be as simple as, "What are you going to spend your time doing this summer?"  "Do you want to get a job,  volunteer or work on your soccer skills?"  " Are you saving up for a car?"  Discuss how short term goals can lead to achieving their long term goals like college or a career.  Too much idle time is good for no one. We all need that sense of purpose in our life no matter what stage we are at in our lives.

"I'm bored"----- and summer has only just begun.

Yes- just one week after school ended for summer vacation I heard it, "Mom, I am so bored." I was waiting to pick my own child up from a sport's activity and began to really think about this.  Children's ability to play and entertain themselves has seemed to diminish over recent years.  I am not refering to organized activities provided for our children.  I am talking about the ability to just "play."

In recent times, play for children has tended to revolve around specific activities, sports or toys that regulate and steer the child's play.  Think back to the days when children created their own toys and played using their imagination. A stick was a pirate's sword.  A blanket could become a tent. 

Research has proven that play is just as important for physical and mental health as getting enough sleep, excercise and a balanced diet.  It can help turn negative feelings into positve ones.  It often relieves stress.  Play can also build interpersonal connections.  Play increases physical activity.

Play also teaches children all kinds of life skills.  Playing some games teaches math skills. It encourages children to get along with others.  But the most important thing I found when reading about the benefits of childrens' play, is that it develops the important cognitive skill of self-regulation.  It teaches children how to use self-control and discipline.  This also means it helps them learn to resist acting on impulse.  This skill is critical in all areas of our lives.  According to research, as children use imaginative play less, so has this skill developed less in today's children. 

As we try to be good parents and provide activities for our children throughout the summer, we can not forget to leave unstructured time for play.  I don't mean time to zone in front of the TV or hours on the computer playing video games.  I mean time to be either alone or with friends and using their imaginations.  Tell your children to, "Have fun and go play!"