Helping our Children Achieve Success

     What I want to address this week is "helping our children to achieve success."  I don't deem success for my own children as individual accomplishments.  Instead, my own goal as a parent is to help my children aquire the skills needed to become successful over their lifetime.  Their successes may be in academics, sports or career development.  However, what I want most for all children, is that they are successful in their own growth and in their personal relationships.

     The first thing I want to remind parents is that before children can achieve success, their basic needs must be met.  This means they must get enough sleep, good nutrition and be in good health.  For school success, children must have a regular bedtime and eat breakfast before school.  Keeping a regular routine also helps a child be prepared to learn at school.

     After parents and their children prioritize and set goals, children need motivation to achieve.  This motivation should come from both inside the child and from external encouragement.  Remember that goals should not be set through comparisons to siblings or schoolmates.  Instead, a child's goals should be to show learning, growth and improvement in that particular skill over a time period. 

     A child needs to learn that failure is acceptable.  Most people can not be perfect at anything on their first try. Children who are perfectionists, may be the most afraid to try new skills.  Parents need to convey unconditional love and acceptance.  We also need to help the child set realistic expectations that are neither too high or too low. Children need to know that failure is a part of life and an opportunity to learn from our mistakes.

     Finally, children who aquire the abilities to work hard, persevere and practice may end up being more successful than others who are actually more gifted. In addition, the skills of prioritizing, being organized and using time management will also play a role in your child's success.  Children must also be able to take direction, listen to constructive criticism and not be afraid to ask for help.

     Remember, our job as parents isn't to help our children bring home the best report card in school or to accumulate trophies.  Instead, we should be preparing our children to grow, learn and better themselves over their own lifetime.  It's then, that we have really taught our children to achieve success.  

    

Helping Children to Find their Strengths

I spent the day yesterday at the 4-H Regional Dairy Bowl Contest and the kids truly amazed me.  However, I realized that dairy bowl ( a jeopardy like contest with buzzers is not for every kid).  Every parent should be helping their own children find and develop their own particular strengths.

Foremost, we must realize that every child is very different.  Beginning with little children, parents need to watch their children while participating in creative play.  Parents need to look for their own child's unique qualities.  What sets the child apart from others?

As children grow and develop, we need to expose them to varied experiences. Then we need to note what activities keep their attention and interest. Younger children should be trying a wide range of activities. As they grow older, they can narrow these down to what really interests them.

We need to communicate with the child about their experiences.  Parents need to listen without judgement.  Too much praise or criticism can lead the child to not be totally open with us.  Ask them to evaluate and reflect.  A parent may respond, "I hear you saying that soccer no longer interests you."  " Can you tell me why?" Never, compare your child to siblings.

When a child discovers his strengths and interests, he will likely develop a passion for particular activities.  Next week I will discuss how to help your child be successful in his chosen endeavors.

Finding Balance

One of my biggest struggles as a parent is to find balance in my life as well as helping our children to do the same. This past week my husband and I were actually out for two different evenings.  This was the first time in almost a year that we had been at an activity without children.  This made me realize that my own life has gotten out of balance.

I discovered a great tool, "The Wheel of Life" that can be used to evaluate the balance in our lives.  To use this, you draw a circle and make an even number of segments. Then label each segment with areas of your life.  Labels may include things like:  health/fitness; family/friends; money/career; partner/marriage; spirituality; fun/relaxation; community service; environment ( house/lawn); or growth and learning. Next you draw a grid of circles inside the wheel in order to rate your satisfaction in each area.  Least satisfaction being closest to the center and more satisfaction towards the outside of the wheel.  When you shade these areas in, you can see what areas you may be neglecting. On the other hand, you might also be putting too much time and energy into some areas.

An unbalanced life can lead to frustration and stress.  Your energy and enthusiasm can be sapped.  This can be true for your children as well.  Are your children spending too much time playing sports?  Maybe at the other extreme, they have too much leisure time that they're spending in front of the TV or computer.  Possibly, they don't have enough family time.   

How do you remedy this for yourself or your family?  You evaluate what you are currently doing and then set goals for what areas you want to change.  Then get organized and schedule so that you are taking time for what is important to you.  However, be flexible when unexpected events arise and don't be afraid to ask for help.  One example is car pooling with other parents to children's pratices.  Finally don't over schedule yourself or your family.

I definately need to adjust my priorities.  I realize that time spent with my  children and community service has actually been pulling my own life out of balance.  Hopefully, by taking my own advice, I can restructure my time, thus living a life that is more in balance.

Constructive rather than Destructive Criticism

     When driving with a carload of kids to a 4-H event this week, one teenager said, " I feel like all my Dad does is criticize me." We were having a discussion about getting ready for county public presentations.  My first thought was, " Oh no!" " My kids probably often feel the same way."  Sometimes when trying to help our children, we often forget about the right way to offer constructive criticism. 
     First we should make sure that the timing is right.  Criticizing a child when they just lost an important game may not be the right time.  There are times for criticism and times for building up.  Then we should plan our thoughts and comments before we gete into a discussion with the child.
     Before offering the constructive criticism we need to focus on and state some positives.  This is the time to let the child know what they are doing well.  Then we can offer the criticism, while being sure to focus on a behavior, not the person. 
     Any suggestions should be clear, concise and presented in a way the child is sure to understand.  You want to be sure to use a kind voice and mannerisms that are not threatening.  After you have stated the suggested improvement, you need to reemphasize the positives. 
     Finally, we need to form a partnership with the child in order to solve the problem or correct mistakes.  We might ask, " What do you think?"  " How might you do things differently next time?"
Our suggestions will be much more effective if the child takes responsibility and ownership regarding the improvements. 
     All parents, including myself, can get caught up in criticizing our children in ways that are not effective. We think we are helping them, when we are only hurting their self-esteem and possibly discouraging them.  In the future, I am going to try to remember to use effective steps to positve criticism.