The Giving List.

I'm sure most parents have seen a Christmas list prepared by their children.  As soon as the holiday season is approaching, we see lists of items they want for Christmas.  Parents can teach so much by helping their children make a "giving list" for Christmas as well.  They can make a list of their family members, grandparents, neighbors, friends etc. and plan what they will give as gifts. 

Money doesn't have to be a limiting factor.  Children can give homemade gifts, items they've baked with their family or even gifts of time and talent. Grandparents love homemade items or pictures. My girls made their grandmother a memory board for pictures of her grandchildren.  They could give an older person a card good for snow shoveling or lawn mowing.  They can give a sibling a favorite toy they've outgrown.  A young man I know gave his little sister his DS and she was truly excited.  Older siblings can give younger ones the promise of a fun outing.

One of our own family's traditions has been a family shopping trip where we divided up and helped the younger children shop for siblings and parents.  Younger kids had a budget of funds we had given them.  As they grew older, they used their own money to purchase family gifts. Meaningful  giving should really involve some sacrifice on the giver's part.

Children can also learn to give with grace.  In other words, giving freely and expecting nothing in return.  You can help them find opportunities to do this by giving charitable gifts in secret.  An example would be by taking part in the giving tree at church or the community Christmas program.  When shopping for the recipient, take time to discuss what these gifts mean for both the recipient and your own child. 

Our children should have the fun of making their own Christmas wish list.  But I challenge you to help them to make their "Giving List" as well.  They may find that by completing and following through on their giving list, they actually gain more satisfaction than when opening their own gifts.  Isn't giving what Christmas is really about?

  

Do as I say----

We have all heard the cliche, "Do as I say, not as I do."   We all know that in  reality our children will imitate many of the things that we do, both good and bad.  Parents and caregivers are often young childrens' primary role models. Of course we want our children to model values like honesty, integrity, compassion, hard work, dependability, etc.  First of all, we need to be sure to spend time with our children so that they will learn from us. We also need to encourage our children to engage in activities that provide positve role models in their lives.  But as children grow older, they will be exposed to an expanded world that can often include many negative rold models as well.  We should stay aware of who our kids are involved with, what activities are they engaged in and who they see as their own role models.   When our children look up to celebrities or sports figures who make wrong choices, we should discuss this with them.  We need to help our children to realize that just because someone is famous, doesn't mean they make good choices.  We might ask our children why a choice was bad, what do they think the consequences may be and what could that person have done that would have had a more positive outcome.  Finally, we have to remember that since parents can have the majority of influence on our kids, we should try to model what we want them to become.  They will eventually do as we do.

Preparing children to leave----

Our youngest is spending her first full week away from home at a summer camp.  Needless to say,  this kind of experience can be hard on both the child and the parent/s.  Whether you are sending your child to his first year of school, camp or even away to college, there are things that you can do to make this transition easier.

Set a pattern of being confident about goodbyes beginning with toddlerhood.  When you have to leave your child, be confident about leaving.  Act as if it's no big deal.  Do not act upset in front of the child.  I realize many a mom will be teary after dropping their freshman off at their college dorm.  Save the tears for the car ride home.

Never sneak out in a goodbye situation.  This will only scare the child and make her more insecure with the situation.  Be clear about when you are leaving and when you plan to return.

Provide age appropriate experiences over the years for your child.  Overnights can begin at Grandma's and progress to trips out of town with non relatives or youth organizations.  Our kids have traveled to summer camps and even out of state with 4-H.

Before a planned seperation, make sure your child knows that you love them.  Let them know you are proud of them and excited for their new adventure.  Spend time with them planning for the upcoming event.  Guide them to prepare. This may mean helping them to shop and pack for the event.  Involve them in the preparation.  Don't do it for them.

Finally, you can make the transition easier by providing a surprise for them.  This could be a note in their school lunchbox or a care package sent to their college dorm.  However, be careful of hovering.  With today's technology, it may be easy to remain too involved by daily texting or emailing.  Use judgement and let them know you are available when they need to talk.

I received a short note from our daughter in the mail today.  Yes- I provided her with an addressed stamped envelope.  It began with, "Yes Mom, I am still alive."  The brevity of the text leads me to believe that she was in a hurry to continue her fun!  I guess I'll have to wait to find out what she did all week.  Isn't that part of parenthood--- learning to let go?

Helping teens develop a sense of purpose.

The headlines in our paper and talk throughout our rual town has been about the recent rash of burgularies inlcuding  dozens of reports of breakins, thefts and vandalism.  Even the skate park, which should have been appreciated enough to avoid damage has had to be closed because of vandalism. These events make me think that maybe the youth in our area do not have enough of a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose?  How does that relate?  I see numerous kids hanging out with too little to do on a daily basis.  They have no clear purpose in their everyday lives.

William Damone, professor at Stanford University did research (in 2008) on young adults/teens and their sense of purpose.  He found the about 25% of the youth were what he called "disengaged."  They are living only for the here and now.  They are out for a "good time" and not considering any longterm consequences. 

He labeled another 25% as "dreamers."  These are the youth who have unrealistic goals and expectations for their life.  They may think that they are going to have a profession like movie producer, rock star, sports hero.  I am not saying these goals are not attainable.  A young man comes to mind who is from Waterville and is a movie producer.  What makes him different from the dreamers is that both he and his parents had goals along with hard work meant to achieve his dreams.

Then there were the 30% that William Damone called "dabblers."  These were the young adults who try everything, but commit to nothing.  These people drift from one focus to another leaving no time to attain any goals.

Finally, only about 20% of the youth interviewed were labeled as "engaged" with a sense of purpose. Research has shown that people's happiness is at its peak when they are pursueing goals that interest, compel and challenge them.  It's also important that people feel that they are doing something that matters and will make a contribution to life.

What can we do as parents?  I think all of us have to help our children, especially teens to find their own path to purpose in life.  We need to continually keep the communication going about both short and long term goals.  This may be as simple as, "What are you going to spend your time doing this summer?"  "Do you want to get a job,  volunteer or work on your soccer skills?"  " Are you saving up for a car?"  Discuss how short term goals can lead to achieving their long term goals like college or a career.  Too much idle time is good for no one. We all need that sense of purpose in our life no matter what stage we are at in our lives.

"I'm bored"----- and summer has only just begun.

Yes- just one week after school ended for summer vacation I heard it, "Mom, I am so bored." I was waiting to pick my own child up from a sport's activity and began to really think about this.  Children's ability to play and entertain themselves has seemed to diminish over recent years.  I am not refering to organized activities provided for our children.  I am talking about the ability to just "play."

In recent times, play for children has tended to revolve around specific activities, sports or toys that regulate and steer the child's play.  Think back to the days when children created their own toys and played using their imagination. A stick was a pirate's sword.  A blanket could become a tent. 

Research has proven that play is just as important for physical and mental health as getting enough sleep, excercise and a balanced diet.  It can help turn negative feelings into positve ones.  It often relieves stress.  Play can also build interpersonal connections.  Play increases physical activity.

Play also teaches children all kinds of life skills.  Playing some games teaches math skills. It encourages children to get along with others.  But the most important thing I found when reading about the benefits of childrens' play, is that it develops the important cognitive skill of self-regulation.  It teaches children how to use self-control and discipline.  This also means it helps them learn to resist acting on impulse.  This skill is critical in all areas of our lives.  According to research, as children use imaginative play less, so has this skill developed less in today's children. 

As we try to be good parents and provide activities for our children throughout the summer, we can not forget to leave unstructured time for play.  I don't mean time to zone in front of the TV or hours on the computer playing video games.  I mean time to be either alone or with friends and using their imaginations.  Tell your children to, "Have fun and go play!"

Selfish or Selfless?

It's gone viral- a commencement address that tells the graduates that " You're not special!"  Why do you think this has been viewed by so many with few contradicting the statements made in this speech?  Maybe because we have let ourselves raise a generation of selfish children.

No one will argue that children are born  with the "me syndrome."  Even as teenagers, youth are self focused, believing that everyone is looking at them. These are normal developmental stages.  Our job as parents is to teach our children to grow into selfless adults who give back to their world. We need to teach children that real giving is done with no strings attached.  Giving should be done without expecting recognition or reward. Giving should not be about how much money you can spare.  It's also not about just giving things away that you no longer want.  A gift should not be measured by the size, but rather its meaning.

How can we teach children these things?  Families need to make giving a part of everyday life.  It may start with teaching your children how to share.  Then it can be involving them in choosing gifts for birthdays or Christmas.  Parents can model random acts of kindness.  Children should also be setting aside some of their own money to be given to charity.  Help them learn about different organizations serving others and how they can become involved.  When it's possible and age appropriate, explain to them about other people's needs.

I won't argue that children have to become aware of themselves and feel important and loved.  But I think we can all do better when it comes to helping youth grow into caring, giving, selfless adults.  If we begin by modeling this type of behavior in our own families, our children will stand a better chance of becoming selfless, not selfish!

Benefits of an involved father----

Father's Day is just around the corner.  I want to reaffirm the importance of fathers' involvement with their children.  I googled and found numerous articles, backed by research, that stress the importance of fathers in their children's lives.

We know that mothers and fathers are certainly different in their interactions with children.  Did you know that babies as young as 3 months can tell the difference between their father and mother?  When playing, fathers tend to roughhouse and be physically challenging. This can help the child to learn about acceptable behavior and self-control.

A difference between fathers and mothers is that mothers tend to protect their children, while fathers often push their children. This encouragement by their father can help to teach children to take on new challenges. Fathers also tend to discipline in a different way.  Fathers lean towards fairness, justice and duty according to rules.  Mothers often lean towards grace and sympathy in their discipline role.

A few statistics regarding children of involved fathers are:  These children tend to score higher on cognitive tests and achieve more in the educational setting.  These children are often more emotionally secure.  They are also less likely to become involved in violent behaviors.  Children of involved dad's often take active and positive roles in raising their own children.  These children usually have healthier relationships with the opposite sex. 

A father does not have to live with his children in order to have these positve effects.  Non-resident dads can play an active role in their childrens' lives. It is best for children to grow up with a healthy balance of involvement from both parents whether they live together or seperately. As your family celebrates Father's Day, keep in mind that dad should be involved with his children as much as possible in their daily lives.  Happy Father's Day!

Applaud integrity on the ball field!

Last night our local Little League softball team played the Sauquoit Angels.  It was a really good game.  Not only was it close and played well by both teams, but more significant, was an act of obvious integrity by the Sauquoit third baseman. 

This is what happened.  Sauquoit was leading by several runs.  We had a runner going to third.  The ball was thrown to third, caught by the third baseman and the umpire called the runner out.  Our own coach, who was at third base, pointed out that the baseman didn't tag the base.  The umpire again called, "Out!"

It was then that a brave third baseman (probably 11 or 12 years old), spoke up.  She told the umpire that indeed, she had missed the bag.  I think this girl set a great example for all the other players, coaches and spectators.  She could of remained quiet and let the play stand.  Umpires can never be right all of the time.  Instead she chose to speak up and make things right.  This definately turned the tide for our team as we caught up in that inning.

The game continued and ended in our loss to Sauquoit by just one run.  Many of our players were emotional and disappointed.  It was their first loss of the season.  I hope that what the girls remember is not that they lost the game, but instead that the opposing team member spoke up on their behalf.  Hopefully, this is a lesson they will carry on into their own lives when the stakes are sometimes highter than in a Little League game. 

Parents can not be perfect----

     Let's face it- we all have things we've done as parents that we regret.  There are times we question our interactions with our children and wonder whether we are dong anything right.  Often, we have high expectations for our children, our family and ourselves.  We tend to "beat ourselves up," when things aren't going the way we want. 
     Children are each born with their own personality traits.  I believe our job as parents is to help them develop their own traits and personality in a way that will benefit themselves and the people around them.  Some traits can be more positive than others.  Often, negative traits can be channeled into actions that can have positive results.  For example, a stubborn child can learn to use that trait to complete hard tasks and not give up.  A child's temper can be turned into a passion to change wrongs in the world. 
     None of us are perfect; child nor parent.  We have to be aware of that fact daily as we interact with each other.  When we make a mistake, we must first admit it and give a heartfelt apology.  We can then try to change the action that is wrong and model this to our children.  For example, we may let our emotions get out of control when dealing with a defiant child.  If we respond by escalating the conflict and using behavior and words that we later regret, we need to acknowledge that we were wrong.  If we apologize, but keep making the same mistake over again, our children will see our words as meaningless.
     I'm not saying that we should give in to a child that is behaving badly.  We need to set clear expectations with consequences if the child misbehaves.  But when we deal with a defiant child, we need to remain calm, objective and loving as we deal with the behavior.  Children also need to know that we love them unconditionally. 
     I also think we should choose our battles carefully.  Sometimes we parents can be stubborn on issues that really don't matter in the long run.  Think about whether the behavior is harmful to the child or others.  Sometimes, communicating with the child to find ways to address the issue can be helpful.  We may find that the behavior is really connected to something else that we were totally unaware of. 
     Finally, parents should not carry guilt over mistakes made.  Like we tell our children, " you can not change the past."  You should focus on how you want to behave or what you want to achieve now.

Sports Parents

I'm taking a break from talking children and finances because spring sports season is upon us.  At the first AYSO soccer meeting with the coach, I found myself thinking about what kind of parent I want to be.  I thought about the fact that most youth sports coaches are volunteers who give a lot of their time for our childrens' benefit. 

I also looked up some statistics.  Less than 200,000 youth out of a total of about 75 million will ever get a college scholarship for sports.  I think the ultimate reason our children are involved in sports is really to help them prepare for life. Youths'  values are greatly influenced by the values that are conveyed through their participation in sports.

There is a really good report called "Sports Done Right" published by the University of Maine.  When talking about the sports parent's job they stress that it is to "create and support an environment that will lead to positive experiences for their children."  There are 7 supporting ideas that I wish to summarize in my own words.

1.  Parents should give consistant support and encouragement no matter what degree of success the team achieves, what skill level their child is at or how much playing time their child gets.
2.  Parents need to teach and model respect for coaches, officials and opposing teams at all times.
3.  Parents should attend meetings with coaches to learn expectations for both the team members and themselves.
4.  Parents should always be positive role models and behave with dignity.
5.  Parents should agree to follow the school or sport's organization's guidelines.
6.  Parents need to help their children achieve balance between numerous sports and other activities remembering that academics should always come first.
And finally, number 7.  Parents must leave coaching to the coaches.  They should not criticize the coach or put undue pressure on the kids.

Sports are preparing our children to become leaders of tomorrow.  I'm going to leave you with one more statistic to consider.  Seventy-two percent of youth surveyed would rather play for a team with a losing record than to sit on the bench.  As parents we really need to keep in mind that sports are really supposed to be for our kids.

Teens and Money

U.S. teenagers spend an average of $85/week.  Eighty-six percent of teens get their money from their parents on an as needed basis.  Yet most teens are poorly prepared to really manage their money.  How can parents do a better job preparing our teenagers to become financially successful as adults?

I believe that  all older children should have a savings account at a local bank.  They should have a set portion of any money given to them or earned, earmarked automatically for their savings.  This should be an account that will later be used for significant purchases like a car or college tuition. 

Again, goal setting is crucial for your teen to learn money management.  Every teen should have worked with their parent on making a budget.  This would include income such as a set weekly allowance, gifts or money earned.  Then the teen should list all weekly expenses.  These can include school lunches, entertainment, clothes purchases, cell phones etc.  If a teen is driving, then they should have a clear picture of their insurance, vehicle maintenance and gas costs. "Needs" should be identified seperately from their "wants."  There are good budget worksheets for teens at many money management websites.

I think the question of whether parents should provide their teens with spending money, the teen should earn their money or the teens money is obtained both ways is completely up to the family to decide.  However, I think that parents do teens no favor by providing an endless amount of money on an as needed basis.  It is better to have a family discussion over the teens budget and then determine a set amount of money that the parents can provide on a weekly or monthly basis.  Then parents need to adhere to their agreement.  If the teen runs out of money a few times, he will better learn to manage spending.

Before teens go shopping, they should learn to make a shopping list.  They should recognize the difference between shopping for a need and what I call recreational or impulse buying.  Teens should learn about shopping options like waiting for sales, using coupons or shopping upscale consignment shops.  When shopping on line they can obtain free shipping or sales codes.  Teens should also understand the additional cost of sales tax. 

There is so much more that teens need to learn about good money management.  Next time, I will discuss teens using checking accounts, ATMs, debit or credit cards.  At some point, I will also discuss teens earning their own money.   I believe that we can all do a better job at preparing our teens for financial success in adulthood.

Children and Money

When should children begin to learn about money?  I think, "the sooner the better."  Even very young children need to understand concepts about money.  The first thing they must understand is where money comes from.  I remember one of my young children saying, " Just go get some money from the bank."  Another statement made was, " Just write a check."  Children need to learn that money is usually earned through hard work.  They need to understand that parents get paid for their work.  They also need to know that we have to put money into the bank before we can withdraw it from an ATM or write a check.

The next step in teaching young children about money is to teach them to count and use money.  This can be done by providing play money and a pretend store or restaurant.  Children can also help us sort or count loose change.  They can help us roll coins and add up the totals. I googled and found a lot of good internet sites that teach children about money through games.

I divide money management into three simple categories:  spending or living, sharing or giving and saving.  Children can learn about how our daily spending falls into these divisions.  Parents need to set a good example on finding balance between these categories.  They need to teach children that families can set goals, create budgets and then communicate about money with each other. 

Children can be included in family decisions regarding everyday spending.  Children can be given opportunities to make spending choices of their own.  Teach them to comparison shop when buying items.  Talk to them about value for their money.  Talk to them about planned purchases before you actually go to the store.

Young children often can not visualize abstract thoughts like money in a bank account.  They probably need to begin using a piggy bank to keep their own money.   Parents can discuss making plans to save money for something the child wants to buy.  Then they can help the child count and save in their piggy bank.

 Teach children about the pitfalls of "impulse buying."   Decide how you will handle the begging and whining that can occur when shopping with children.  Once the pattern of rewarding this behavior begins, it just becomes harder to change at a later time. Every parent has suffered the temper tantrum that can occur in the checkout line by the shelves of candy.

There is so much that should be taught to children about money.  I will continue this discussion next week regarding helping older children learn to manage money.

Helping our Children Achieve Success

     What I want to address this week is "helping our children to achieve success."  I don't deem success for my own children as individual accomplishments.  Instead, my own goal as a parent is to help my children aquire the skills needed to become successful over their lifetime.  Their successes may be in academics, sports or career development.  However, what I want most for all children, is that they are successful in their own growth and in their personal relationships.

     The first thing I want to remind parents is that before children can achieve success, their basic needs must be met.  This means they must get enough sleep, good nutrition and be in good health.  For school success, children must have a regular bedtime and eat breakfast before school.  Keeping a regular routine also helps a child be prepared to learn at school.

     After parents and their children prioritize and set goals, children need motivation to achieve.  This motivation should come from both inside the child and from external encouragement.  Remember that goals should not be set through comparisons to siblings or schoolmates.  Instead, a child's goals should be to show learning, growth and improvement in that particular skill over a time period. 

     A child needs to learn that failure is acceptable.  Most people can not be perfect at anything on their first try. Children who are perfectionists, may be the most afraid to try new skills.  Parents need to convey unconditional love and acceptance.  We also need to help the child set realistic expectations that are neither too high or too low. Children need to know that failure is a part of life and an opportunity to learn from our mistakes.

     Finally, children who aquire the abilities to work hard, persevere and practice may end up being more successful than others who are actually more gifted. In addition, the skills of prioritizing, being organized and using time management will also play a role in your child's success.  Children must also be able to take direction, listen to constructive criticism and not be afraid to ask for help.

     Remember, our job as parents isn't to help our children bring home the best report card in school or to accumulate trophies.  Instead, we should be preparing our children to grow, learn and better themselves over their own lifetime.  It's then, that we have really taught our children to achieve success.  

    

Helping Children to Find their Strengths

I spent the day yesterday at the 4-H Regional Dairy Bowl Contest and the kids truly amazed me.  However, I realized that dairy bowl ( a jeopardy like contest with buzzers is not for every kid).  Every parent should be helping their own children find and develop their own particular strengths.

Foremost, we must realize that every child is very different.  Beginning with little children, parents need to watch their children while participating in creative play.  Parents need to look for their own child's unique qualities.  What sets the child apart from others?

As children grow and develop, we need to expose them to varied experiences. Then we need to note what activities keep their attention and interest. Younger children should be trying a wide range of activities. As they grow older, they can narrow these down to what really interests them.

We need to communicate with the child about their experiences.  Parents need to listen without judgement.  Too much praise or criticism can lead the child to not be totally open with us.  Ask them to evaluate and reflect.  A parent may respond, "I hear you saying that soccer no longer interests you."  " Can you tell me why?" Never, compare your child to siblings.

When a child discovers his strengths and interests, he will likely develop a passion for particular activities.  Next week I will discuss how to help your child be successful in his chosen endeavors.

Finding Balance

One of my biggest struggles as a parent is to find balance in my life as well as helping our children to do the same. This past week my husband and I were actually out for two different evenings.  This was the first time in almost a year that we had been at an activity without children.  This made me realize that my own life has gotten out of balance.

I discovered a great tool, "The Wheel of Life" that can be used to evaluate the balance in our lives.  To use this, you draw a circle and make an even number of segments. Then label each segment with areas of your life.  Labels may include things like:  health/fitness; family/friends; money/career; partner/marriage; spirituality; fun/relaxation; community service; environment ( house/lawn); or growth and learning. Next you draw a grid of circles inside the wheel in order to rate your satisfaction in each area.  Least satisfaction being closest to the center and more satisfaction towards the outside of the wheel.  When you shade these areas in, you can see what areas you may be neglecting. On the other hand, you might also be putting too much time and energy into some areas.

An unbalanced life can lead to frustration and stress.  Your energy and enthusiasm can be sapped.  This can be true for your children as well.  Are your children spending too much time playing sports?  Maybe at the other extreme, they have too much leisure time that they're spending in front of the TV or computer.  Possibly, they don't have enough family time.   

How do you remedy this for yourself or your family?  You evaluate what you are currently doing and then set goals for what areas you want to change.  Then get organized and schedule so that you are taking time for what is important to you.  However, be flexible when unexpected events arise and don't be afraid to ask for help.  One example is car pooling with other parents to children's pratices.  Finally don't over schedule yourself or your family.

I definately need to adjust my priorities.  I realize that time spent with my  children and community service has actually been pulling my own life out of balance.  Hopefully, by taking my own advice, I can restructure my time, thus living a life that is more in balance.

Constructive rather than Destructive Criticism

     When driving with a carload of kids to a 4-H event this week, one teenager said, " I feel like all my Dad does is criticize me." We were having a discussion about getting ready for county public presentations.  My first thought was, " Oh no!" " My kids probably often feel the same way."  Sometimes when trying to help our children, we often forget about the right way to offer constructive criticism. 
     First we should make sure that the timing is right.  Criticizing a child when they just lost an important game may not be the right time.  There are times for criticism and times for building up.  Then we should plan our thoughts and comments before we gete into a discussion with the child.
     Before offering the constructive criticism we need to focus on and state some positives.  This is the time to let the child know what they are doing well.  Then we can offer the criticism, while being sure to focus on a behavior, not the person. 
     Any suggestions should be clear, concise and presented in a way the child is sure to understand.  You want to be sure to use a kind voice and mannerisms that are not threatening.  After you have stated the suggested improvement, you need to reemphasize the positives. 
     Finally, we need to form a partnership with the child in order to solve the problem or correct mistakes.  We might ask, " What do you think?"  " How might you do things differently next time?"
Our suggestions will be much more effective if the child takes responsibility and ownership regarding the improvements. 
     All parents, including myself, can get caught up in criticizing our children in ways that are not effective. We think we are helping them, when we are only hurting their self-esteem and possibly discouraging them.  In the future, I am going to try to remember to use effective steps to positve criticism. 

Children and their Granparents

     The bond between a grandparent and grandchild can be unique, very special and good for the whole family.  There are so many benefits to making sure your children can have a relationship with their grandparents.  The grandparent can be a role model and positive influence.  They can instill a sense of family pride as they share culture and family history with the children.  They can even act as arbitrators between parents and their children.
     Grandparents often have time to spend with our children.  They may have skills to pass on like cooking, woodworking, sewing, fishing etc.  Many of us have special memories of our own grandparents.  Some of my own memories include the smell of my grandfather's vet office and  the stories on my grandmother's lap. My other grandfather would offer us apple slices cut with his jackknife.  The unconditional love between children and their grandparents can provide a sense of stability and security for children.
     Many children are blessed with having grandparents who live nearby.  But what about the family whose grandparents may live miles away?  Visits should be planned into our busy schedules.  Technology can be used to send pictures, email and even video chat.  Children love to get mail.  Grandparents can send letters and then the children can do the same. 
     If your children do not have grandparents, they can developa relationship with a local elderly person.  This may be a neighbor, friend's grandparent or someone at the local nursing home.  Creating a bond like this can also help our children have a positive attitude and respect for the elderly.  This past week I witnessed the extreme grief of children losing a grandparent.  However, I bet they would never trade the time and love they shared with that grandparent for anything in the world.

Expectations are Relative to Performance

     I have been reading about many aspects of raising and teaching children and one thought keeps popping up over and over again.  This idea is that what parents and teachers expect of children has a strong relationship to performance.  It doesn't matter if a study was conducted in the 1970's or in 2010.  It is clear that our expectations of children are very important.
   
     Of course our first thought is that this applies to the classroom at school.  Teachers must know each student well enough to have a good idea of his/her potential.  Then a good teacher will create a learning environment that challenges but doesn't discourage that student.  But did you know that parental expectations are also highly linked to school performance? 

     The question of what level of education a child will pursue is also highly affected by parental expectations.  Children whose parents expect them to graduate highschool are more likely to do so.  The same is true for students who plan to attend and graduate from college or trade school. Family values regarding education are really important to every child's potential achievements.

     I contend that parental expectations are also important in areas other than school.  If we expect good behavior from children, they will be more likely to behave.  If we expect our children to be caring, kind and courteous, they will usually be just that.  If we expect our children to do things for others they will be more helpful and likely to volunteer when needed.  If we expect our youth to get involved in worthwhile activities they may join clubs, sports and youth organizations.  The list goes on and on and I think the key word here is expectations.  What do you expect from your children?

What can a parent do to help your child's teacher?

     Are you a parent who helps or hinders your child's education?  Did you know that new teachers remain in this profession an average of just 4.5 years?  Many of those who exit the profession, list " issues with parents" as one of the reasons they leave teaching.  What can we do as parents to help teachers provide a well rounded education that will prepare our children for life and the workplace? What can we do so that good teachers will want to remain in this profession?
     First of all, we need to be partners with the teacher.  This means keeping communication open between you and the teacher. Parents should attend parent-teacher conferences.  They should look at their child's papers and notes from school every day.  Parents need to communicate any concerns they have to the teacher. It also means that if the teacher expresses a concern about your child's behavior, that you listen and consider what the teacher is saying.  Teachers see your child in a whole different environment than you do. 
     If your child gets reprimanded by the teacher, don't be quick to defend your child.  No student is perfect at all times and we should accept that it is OK for our children to be disciplined. We have to present a united front to the child by backing up the action taken at school.
       When a child is disciplined, it can teach important life lessons. Students will not only need good grades in subject matter to succeed at work.  They will need to know how to follow directions and get along with others. They will need to know how to turn in assignments on time.  They will need to be able to take direction from a boss with whom they may not always agree.
     If we want to prepare our children to be ready for a successful career of their own.  We need to begin while they are at school by partnering with our teachers and administrators in order to achieve this.  We love and care for our children, but so do their teachers at school.  Let's work together for the good of our students.

Table Time----

     I've been reading about all the advantages for children whose families make it a habit to eat meals together.  Children who eat with their families tend to do better academically; are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol or tobacco; usually eat healthier diets; are less likely to be promiscuous; and most importantly form a better bond with their family members. 
     There are advantages for the whole family as well.  Home prepared meals are usually less expensive.  The whole family can share in meal preparation and cleanup.  By doing this, the children also learn important life skills. But the most important result can be improved family communication. Even scheduling can become easier by going over the week's calendar together.
     How can we do this you ask?  We have no time to eat together.  First of all, it doesn't have to be dinner and it doesn't have to be everyday.  It could be snack time after school.  It could be breakfast before work. The important thing is to find sometime that will work for your family.
     Then I'd suggest this be a time sitting at a table with no interruptions allowed: no cell phones, no electronic games, and no Ipods etc. At first, it may seem awkward and people may have nothing to say.  Sometimes it's best to ask specific questions.  Rather than, " How was school?"  You may ask, " How's your science project coming?"
    Family "table time" can be a rewarding experience.  I encourage your family to try this if you don't already take time to eat together.  Don't give up if it doesn't go well at first.  Kids may balk at the idea.  But please, give it a try and I think you'll find unlimited rewards for your family and children.

But Mommmmm- I need this------

     How many times have our children said to us, "Mom (Dad), I really need this!"  Sometimes they are talking about the latest fashion.  Other times it's the newest electronic gadget. Or maybe it's the most expensive cell phone and/or plan.  For middle and upper class parents, it's just so easy to give in and buy our children "what they need."  But is that really what is best for them?
     I believe that from toddlerhood, we need to teach our children the difference between wants and needs.  Toddlerhood you ask?  Yes, how many times do we tell the big brother/sister to give in to their younger sibling when they are whining that they need  the toy their sibling is playing with? When our children go to school and they see the latest fashions and bookbags, do we rush out and buy those for them? As they become teens, do we stretch the family budget to give our children everything they need so they will fit in with the cool crowd?
     Stop and think.  How will our children learn to set priorities and work towards goals if we give them everything they "need?"  Instead, what about suggesting that they write down a plan for purchasing the thing that they desperately think they need. This can also help to avoid the pitfalls of children growing up needing instant gratification.
     You may ask how an elementary school child can save up for their own purchases. Many children get birthday or Christmas money.  You may allow the child to clean and return bottles.  Children can get a small payment for doing extra work such as raking the lawn.  I think saving and budgeting is a whole topic to discuss at another time.  The point is, do our children know the difference between a want and a need?  Or do we jump to provide every little request that our child makes?   

First and Foremost----

     What is it that children need???It seems like common sense, but often I see children who don't have these things:  food, shelter, clean clothing, safety and love in their lives.  How do we get all parents to place their priorities on providing for their children's needs first?  How many of us see parents who smoke, drink, play the lottery, do drugs and buy themselves the latest gadget before they make sure their children are provided for? 
     There are safety nets available in our society.  They may not make any family rich- but families can apply for food stamps, heating assistance, free medical and dental care and even subsidies for child care.  Many communities have a food pantry where emergency food can be provided.  There are second hand shops where anyone can buy good used clothing at a fraction of the cost of new clothes.  Then there are people in communities who help needy families especially on hoilidays.  It is sad that with all these opportunities for help, there are still children whose basic needs are not being met.
     I am afraid that very few of these parents will ever change.  ( Although I personally know of a parent who turned her life around and does a great job of providing for her children.)  Where do we start?  I think each of us has to reach out to parents such as this and "butt in" as my children would say. Often we have to befriend these people first and let them know we truly care about them.  Then, we need to let them know that it is not acceptable to deny their children their basic needs.  We have to model what a good parent does for their children.  Many of these parents did not grow up in a family where their own needs were met.  Finally we can direct the parents to places where they can obtain services, education about nutrition, financial budgeting, meal preparation and parenting skills.
     However, first and foremost, we each need to take some responsibilty for the children in our communities.  This can be done through school activities, church groups, youth organizations etc.  It may be the case that the parents of these children are not ever going to change.  In that case, we need to do all we can to provide for these children and teach them so that someday, they will provide for their own children.  It is never hopeless.  We can help children such as these, one child at a time.

Our Children- Our Legacy

I want to introduce myself.  I am a married mother with a family of 4 children.  Over the years, I have interacted with youth through my volunteer work with 4-H, school organizations, church and sports teams.  I love my own children and deeply care about the welfare and growth of all children.  I really wanted to create a blog that will generate thought and discussion regarding the care and development of our communities' youth.

In this first post, I want to share my thoughts on our nation's children.  I feel our country's future depends upon changing the direction that our society has taken regarding our children.  I see too many cases of people bringing children into this world with little thought on the responsibility that is bestowed upon parents.
It is my view that children's care and upbringing should be a parent's/family's first priority.

As I have lived my life, I have realized that the old saying, " You can't take it with you." is so true.  The material things we Americans seem bent on accumulating will mean nothing when we leave this world.  The way that each of us can really have an impact on the future is by making sure we do everything in our power to raise children who will strive to make keep our country great.  This means giving them a sense of their worth and abilities; giving them a work ethic; teaching them to continue to learn and improve; giving them the abilitiy to love others and most of all, teaching them the value of family and faith. I think that our children are any parent's true legacy?  Don't you?