Yes- just one week after school ended for summer vacation I heard it, "Mom, I am so bored." I was waiting to pick my own child up from a sport's activity and began to really think about this. Children's ability to play and entertain themselves has seemed to diminish over recent years. I am not refering to organized activities provided for our children. I am talking about the ability to just "play."
In recent times, play for children has tended to revolve around specific activities, sports or toys that regulate and steer the child's play. Think back to the days when children created their own toys and played using their imagination. A stick was a pirate's sword. A blanket could become a tent.
Research has proven that play is just as important for physical and mental health as getting enough sleep, excercise and a balanced diet. It can help turn negative feelings into positve ones. It often relieves stress. Play can also build interpersonal connections. Play increases physical activity.
Play also teaches children all kinds of life skills. Playing some games teaches math skills. It encourages children to get along with others. But the most important thing I found when reading about the benefits of childrens' play, is that it develops the important cognitive skill of self-regulation. It teaches children how to use self-control and discipline. This also means it helps them learn to resist acting on impulse. This skill is critical in all areas of our lives. According to research, as children use imaginative play less, so has this skill developed less in today's children.
As we try to be good parents and provide activities for our children throughout the summer, we can not forget to leave unstructured time for play. I don't mean time to zone in front of the TV or hours on the computer playing video games. I mean time to be either alone or with friends and using their imaginations. Tell your children to, "Have fun and go play!"
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Selfish or Selfless?
It's gone viral- a commencement address that tells the graduates that " You're not special!" Why do you think this has been viewed by so many with few contradicting the statements made in this speech? Maybe because we have let ourselves raise a generation of selfish children.
No one will argue that children are born with the "me syndrome." Even as teenagers, youth are self focused, believing that everyone is looking at them. These are normal developmental stages. Our job as parents is to teach our children to grow into selfless adults who give back to their world. We need to teach children that real giving is done with no strings attached. Giving should be done without expecting recognition or reward. Giving should not be about how much money you can spare. It's also not about just giving things away that you no longer want. A gift should not be measured by the size, but rather its meaning.
How can we teach children these things? Families need to make giving a part of everyday life. It may start with teaching your children how to share. Then it can be involving them in choosing gifts for birthdays or Christmas. Parents can model random acts of kindness. Children should also be setting aside some of their own money to be given to charity. Help them learn about different organizations serving others and how they can become involved. When it's possible and age appropriate, explain to them about other people's needs.
I won't argue that children have to become aware of themselves and feel important and loved. But I think we can all do better when it comes to helping youth grow into caring, giving, selfless adults. If we begin by modeling this type of behavior in our own families, our children will stand a better chance of becoming selfless, not selfish!
No one will argue that children are born with the "me syndrome." Even as teenagers, youth are self focused, believing that everyone is looking at them. These are normal developmental stages. Our job as parents is to teach our children to grow into selfless adults who give back to their world. We need to teach children that real giving is done with no strings attached. Giving should be done without expecting recognition or reward. Giving should not be about how much money you can spare. It's also not about just giving things away that you no longer want. A gift should not be measured by the size, but rather its meaning.
How can we teach children these things? Families need to make giving a part of everyday life. It may start with teaching your children how to share. Then it can be involving them in choosing gifts for birthdays or Christmas. Parents can model random acts of kindness. Children should also be setting aside some of their own money to be given to charity. Help them learn about different organizations serving others and how they can become involved. When it's possible and age appropriate, explain to them about other people's needs.
I won't argue that children have to become aware of themselves and feel important and loved. But I think we can all do better when it comes to helping youth grow into caring, giving, selfless adults. If we begin by modeling this type of behavior in our own families, our children will stand a better chance of becoming selfless, not selfish!
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Benefits of an involved father----
Father's Day is just around the corner. I want to reaffirm the importance of fathers' involvement with their children. I googled and found numerous articles, backed by research, that stress the importance of fathers in their children's lives.
We know that mothers and fathers are certainly different in their interactions with children. Did you know that babies as young as 3 months can tell the difference between their father and mother? When playing, fathers tend to roughhouse and be physically challenging. This can help the child to learn about acceptable behavior and self-control.
A difference between fathers and mothers is that mothers tend to protect their children, while fathers often push their children. This encouragement by their father can help to teach children to take on new challenges. Fathers also tend to discipline in a different way. Fathers lean towards fairness, justice and duty according to rules. Mothers often lean towards grace and sympathy in their discipline role.
A few statistics regarding children of involved fathers are: These children tend to score higher on cognitive tests and achieve more in the educational setting. These children are often more emotionally secure. They are also less likely to become involved in violent behaviors. Children of involved dad's often take active and positive roles in raising their own children. These children usually have healthier relationships with the opposite sex.
A father does not have to live with his children in order to have these positve effects. Non-resident dads can play an active role in their childrens' lives. It is best for children to grow up with a healthy balance of involvement from both parents whether they live together or seperately. As your family celebrates Father's Day, keep in mind that dad should be involved with his children as much as possible in their daily lives. Happy Father's Day!
We know that mothers and fathers are certainly different in their interactions with children. Did you know that babies as young as 3 months can tell the difference between their father and mother? When playing, fathers tend to roughhouse and be physically challenging. This can help the child to learn about acceptable behavior and self-control.
A difference between fathers and mothers is that mothers tend to protect their children, while fathers often push their children. This encouragement by their father can help to teach children to take on new challenges. Fathers also tend to discipline in a different way. Fathers lean towards fairness, justice and duty according to rules. Mothers often lean towards grace and sympathy in their discipline role.
A few statistics regarding children of involved fathers are: These children tend to score higher on cognitive tests and achieve more in the educational setting. These children are often more emotionally secure. They are also less likely to become involved in violent behaviors. Children of involved dad's often take active and positive roles in raising their own children. These children usually have healthier relationships with the opposite sex.
A father does not have to live with his children in order to have these positve effects. Non-resident dads can play an active role in their childrens' lives. It is best for children to grow up with a healthy balance of involvement from both parents whether they live together or seperately. As your family celebrates Father's Day, keep in mind that dad should be involved with his children as much as possible in their daily lives. Happy Father's Day!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Applaud integrity on the ball field!
Last night our local Little League softball team played the Sauquoit Angels. It was a really good game. Not only was it close and played well by both teams, but more significant, was an act of obvious integrity by the Sauquoit third baseman.
This is what happened. Sauquoit was leading by several runs. We had a runner going to third. The ball was thrown to third, caught by the third baseman and the umpire called the runner out. Our own coach, who was at third base, pointed out that the baseman didn't tag the base. The umpire again called, "Out!"
It was then that a brave third baseman (probably 11 or 12 years old), spoke up. She told the umpire that indeed, she had missed the bag. I think this girl set a great example for all the other players, coaches and spectators. She could of remained quiet and let the play stand. Umpires can never be right all of the time. Instead she chose to speak up and make things right. This definately turned the tide for our team as we caught up in that inning.
The game continued and ended in our loss to Sauquoit by just one run. Many of our players were emotional and disappointed. It was their first loss of the season. I hope that what the girls remember is not that they lost the game, but instead that the opposing team member spoke up on their behalf. Hopefully, this is a lesson they will carry on into their own lives when the stakes are sometimes highter than in a Little League game.
This is what happened. Sauquoit was leading by several runs. We had a runner going to third. The ball was thrown to third, caught by the third baseman and the umpire called the runner out. Our own coach, who was at third base, pointed out that the baseman didn't tag the base. The umpire again called, "Out!"
It was then that a brave third baseman (probably 11 or 12 years old), spoke up. She told the umpire that indeed, she had missed the bag. I think this girl set a great example for all the other players, coaches and spectators. She could of remained quiet and let the play stand. Umpires can never be right all of the time. Instead she chose to speak up and make things right. This definately turned the tide for our team as we caught up in that inning.
The game continued and ended in our loss to Sauquoit by just one run. Many of our players were emotional and disappointed. It was their first loss of the season. I hope that what the girls remember is not that they lost the game, but instead that the opposing team member spoke up on their behalf. Hopefully, this is a lesson they will carry on into their own lives when the stakes are sometimes highter than in a Little League game.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Parents can not be perfect----
Let's face it- we all have things we've done as parents that we regret. There are times we question our interactions with our children and wonder whether we are dong anything right. Often, we have high expectations for our children, our family and ourselves. We tend to "beat ourselves up," when things aren't going the way we want.
Children are each born with their own personality traits. I believe our job as parents is to help them develop their own traits and personality in a way that will benefit themselves and the people around them. Some traits can be more positive than others. Often, negative traits can be channeled into actions that can have positive results. For example, a stubborn child can learn to use that trait to complete hard tasks and not give up. A child's temper can be turned into a passion to change wrongs in the world.
None of us are perfect; child nor parent. We have to be aware of that fact daily as we interact with each other. When we make a mistake, we must first admit it and give a heartfelt apology. We can then try to change the action that is wrong and model this to our children. For example, we may let our emotions get out of control when dealing with a defiant child. If we respond by escalating the conflict and using behavior and words that we later regret, we need to acknowledge that we were wrong. If we apologize, but keep making the same mistake over again, our children will see our words as meaningless.
I'm not saying that we should give in to a child that is behaving badly. We need to set clear expectations with consequences if the child misbehaves. But when we deal with a defiant child, we need to remain calm, objective and loving as we deal with the behavior. Children also need to know that we love them unconditionally.
I also think we should choose our battles carefully. Sometimes we parents can be stubborn on issues that really don't matter in the long run. Think about whether the behavior is harmful to the child or others. Sometimes, communicating with the child to find ways to address the issue can be helpful. We may find that the behavior is really connected to something else that we were totally unaware of.
Finally, parents should not carry guilt over mistakes made. Like we tell our children, " you can not change the past." You should focus on how you want to behave or what you want to achieve now.
Children are each born with their own personality traits. I believe our job as parents is to help them develop their own traits and personality in a way that will benefit themselves and the people around them. Some traits can be more positive than others. Often, negative traits can be channeled into actions that can have positive results. For example, a stubborn child can learn to use that trait to complete hard tasks and not give up. A child's temper can be turned into a passion to change wrongs in the world.
None of us are perfect; child nor parent. We have to be aware of that fact daily as we interact with each other. When we make a mistake, we must first admit it and give a heartfelt apology. We can then try to change the action that is wrong and model this to our children. For example, we may let our emotions get out of control when dealing with a defiant child. If we respond by escalating the conflict and using behavior and words that we later regret, we need to acknowledge that we were wrong. If we apologize, but keep making the same mistake over again, our children will see our words as meaningless.
I'm not saying that we should give in to a child that is behaving badly. We need to set clear expectations with consequences if the child misbehaves. But when we deal with a defiant child, we need to remain calm, objective and loving as we deal with the behavior. Children also need to know that we love them unconditionally.
I also think we should choose our battles carefully. Sometimes we parents can be stubborn on issues that really don't matter in the long run. Think about whether the behavior is harmful to the child or others. Sometimes, communicating with the child to find ways to address the issue can be helpful. We may find that the behavior is really connected to something else that we were totally unaware of.
Finally, parents should not carry guilt over mistakes made. Like we tell our children, " you can not change the past." You should focus on how you want to behave or what you want to achieve now.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sports Parents
I'm taking a break from talking children and finances because spring sports season is upon us. At the first AYSO soccer meeting with the coach, I found myself thinking about what kind of parent I want to be. I thought about the fact that most youth sports coaches are volunteers who give a lot of their time for our childrens' benefit.
I also looked up some statistics. Less than 200,000 youth out of a total of about 75 million will ever get a college scholarship for sports. I think the ultimate reason our children are involved in sports is really to help them prepare for life. Youths' values are greatly influenced by the values that are conveyed through their participation in sports.
There is a really good report called "Sports Done Right" published by the University of Maine. When talking about the sports parent's job they stress that it is to "create and support an environment that will lead to positive experiences for their children." There are 7 supporting ideas that I wish to summarize in my own words.
1. Parents should give consistant support and encouragement no matter what degree of success the team achieves, what skill level their child is at or how much playing time their child gets.
2. Parents need to teach and model respect for coaches, officials and opposing teams at all times.
3. Parents should attend meetings with coaches to learn expectations for both the team members and themselves.
4. Parents should always be positive role models and behave with dignity.
5. Parents should agree to follow the school or sport's organization's guidelines.
6. Parents need to help their children achieve balance between numerous sports and other activities remembering that academics should always come first.
And finally, number 7. Parents must leave coaching to the coaches. They should not criticize the coach or put undue pressure on the kids.
Sports are preparing our children to become leaders of tomorrow. I'm going to leave you with one more statistic to consider. Seventy-two percent of youth surveyed would rather play for a team with a losing record than to sit on the bench. As parents we really need to keep in mind that sports are really supposed to be for our kids.
I also looked up some statistics. Less than 200,000 youth out of a total of about 75 million will ever get a college scholarship for sports. I think the ultimate reason our children are involved in sports is really to help them prepare for life. Youths' values are greatly influenced by the values that are conveyed through their participation in sports.
There is a really good report called "Sports Done Right" published by the University of Maine. When talking about the sports parent's job they stress that it is to "create and support an environment that will lead to positive experiences for their children." There are 7 supporting ideas that I wish to summarize in my own words.
1. Parents should give consistant support and encouragement no matter what degree of success the team achieves, what skill level their child is at or how much playing time their child gets.
2. Parents need to teach and model respect for coaches, officials and opposing teams at all times.
3. Parents should attend meetings with coaches to learn expectations for both the team members and themselves.
4. Parents should always be positive role models and behave with dignity.
5. Parents should agree to follow the school or sport's organization's guidelines.
6. Parents need to help their children achieve balance between numerous sports and other activities remembering that academics should always come first.
And finally, number 7. Parents must leave coaching to the coaches. They should not criticize the coach or put undue pressure on the kids.
Sports are preparing our children to become leaders of tomorrow. I'm going to leave you with one more statistic to consider. Seventy-two percent of youth surveyed would rather play for a team with a losing record than to sit on the bench. As parents we really need to keep in mind that sports are really supposed to be for our kids.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Teens and Money
U.S. teenagers spend an average of $85/week. Eighty-six percent of teens get their money from their parents on an as needed basis. Yet most teens are poorly prepared to really manage their money. How can parents do a better job preparing our teenagers to become financially successful as adults?
I believe that all older children should have a savings account at a local bank. They should have a set portion of any money given to them or earned, earmarked automatically for their savings. This should be an account that will later be used for significant purchases like a car or college tuition.
Again, goal setting is crucial for your teen to learn money management. Every teen should have worked with their parent on making a budget. This would include income such as a set weekly allowance, gifts or money earned. Then the teen should list all weekly expenses. These can include school lunches, entertainment, clothes purchases, cell phones etc. If a teen is driving, then they should have a clear picture of their insurance, vehicle maintenance and gas costs. "Needs" should be identified seperately from their "wants." There are good budget worksheets for teens at many money management websites.
I think the question of whether parents should provide their teens with spending money, the teen should earn their money or the teens money is obtained both ways is completely up to the family to decide. However, I think that parents do teens no favor by providing an endless amount of money on an as needed basis. It is better to have a family discussion over the teens budget and then determine a set amount of money that the parents can provide on a weekly or monthly basis. Then parents need to adhere to their agreement. If the teen runs out of money a few times, he will better learn to manage spending.
Before teens go shopping, they should learn to make a shopping list. They should recognize the difference between shopping for a need and what I call recreational or impulse buying. Teens should learn about shopping options like waiting for sales, using coupons or shopping upscale consignment shops. When shopping on line they can obtain free shipping or sales codes. Teens should also understand the additional cost of sales tax.
There is so much more that teens need to learn about good money management. Next time, I will discuss teens using checking accounts, ATMs, debit or credit cards. At some point, I will also discuss teens earning their own money. I believe that we can all do a better job at preparing our teens for financial success in adulthood.
I believe that all older children should have a savings account at a local bank. They should have a set portion of any money given to them or earned, earmarked automatically for their savings. This should be an account that will later be used for significant purchases like a car or college tuition.
Again, goal setting is crucial for your teen to learn money management. Every teen should have worked with their parent on making a budget. This would include income such as a set weekly allowance, gifts or money earned. Then the teen should list all weekly expenses. These can include school lunches, entertainment, clothes purchases, cell phones etc. If a teen is driving, then they should have a clear picture of their insurance, vehicle maintenance and gas costs. "Needs" should be identified seperately from their "wants." There are good budget worksheets for teens at many money management websites.
I think the question of whether parents should provide their teens with spending money, the teen should earn their money or the teens money is obtained both ways is completely up to the family to decide. However, I think that parents do teens no favor by providing an endless amount of money on an as needed basis. It is better to have a family discussion over the teens budget and then determine a set amount of money that the parents can provide on a weekly or monthly basis. Then parents need to adhere to their agreement. If the teen runs out of money a few times, he will better learn to manage spending.
Before teens go shopping, they should learn to make a shopping list. They should recognize the difference between shopping for a need and what I call recreational or impulse buying. Teens should learn about shopping options like waiting for sales, using coupons or shopping upscale consignment shops. When shopping on line they can obtain free shipping or sales codes. Teens should also understand the additional cost of sales tax.
There is so much more that teens need to learn about good money management. Next time, I will discuss teens using checking accounts, ATMs, debit or credit cards. At some point, I will also discuss teens earning their own money. I believe that we can all do a better job at preparing our teens for financial success in adulthood.
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