The Giving List.

I'm sure most parents have seen a Christmas list prepared by their children.  As soon as the holiday season is approaching, we see lists of items they want for Christmas.  Parents can teach so much by helping their children make a "giving list" for Christmas as well.  They can make a list of their family members, grandparents, neighbors, friends etc. and plan what they will give as gifts. 

Money doesn't have to be a limiting factor.  Children can give homemade gifts, items they've baked with their family or even gifts of time and talent. Grandparents love homemade items or pictures. My girls made their grandmother a memory board for pictures of her grandchildren.  They could give an older person a card good for snow shoveling or lawn mowing.  They can give a sibling a favorite toy they've outgrown.  A young man I know gave his little sister his DS and she was truly excited.  Older siblings can give younger ones the promise of a fun outing.

One of our own family's traditions has been a family shopping trip where we divided up and helped the younger children shop for siblings and parents.  Younger kids had a budget of funds we had given them.  As they grew older, they used their own money to purchase family gifts. Meaningful  giving should really involve some sacrifice on the giver's part.

Children can also learn to give with grace.  In other words, giving freely and expecting nothing in return.  You can help them find opportunities to do this by giving charitable gifts in secret.  An example would be by taking part in the giving tree at church or the community Christmas program.  When shopping for the recipient, take time to discuss what these gifts mean for both the recipient and your own child. 

Our children should have the fun of making their own Christmas wish list.  But I challenge you to help them to make their "Giving List" as well.  They may find that by completing and following through on their giving list, they actually gain more satisfaction than when opening their own gifts.  Isn't giving what Christmas is really about?

  

Do as I say----

We have all heard the cliche, "Do as I say, not as I do."   We all know that in  reality our children will imitate many of the things that we do, both good and bad.  Parents and caregivers are often young childrens' primary role models. Of course we want our children to model values like honesty, integrity, compassion, hard work, dependability, etc.  First of all, we need to be sure to spend time with our children so that they will learn from us. We also need to encourage our children to engage in activities that provide positve role models in their lives.  But as children grow older, they will be exposed to an expanded world that can often include many negative rold models as well.  We should stay aware of who our kids are involved with, what activities are they engaged in and who they see as their own role models.   When our children look up to celebrities or sports figures who make wrong choices, we should discuss this with them.  We need to help our children to realize that just because someone is famous, doesn't mean they make good choices.  We might ask our children why a choice was bad, what do they think the consequences may be and what could that person have done that would have had a more positive outcome.  Finally, we have to remember that since parents can have the majority of influence on our kids, we should try to model what we want them to become.  They will eventually do as we do.

Preparing children to leave----

Our youngest is spending her first full week away from home at a summer camp.  Needless to say,  this kind of experience can be hard on both the child and the parent/s.  Whether you are sending your child to his first year of school, camp or even away to college, there are things that you can do to make this transition easier.

Set a pattern of being confident about goodbyes beginning with toddlerhood.  When you have to leave your child, be confident about leaving.  Act as if it's no big deal.  Do not act upset in front of the child.  I realize many a mom will be teary after dropping their freshman off at their college dorm.  Save the tears for the car ride home.

Never sneak out in a goodbye situation.  This will only scare the child and make her more insecure with the situation.  Be clear about when you are leaving and when you plan to return.

Provide age appropriate experiences over the years for your child.  Overnights can begin at Grandma's and progress to trips out of town with non relatives or youth organizations.  Our kids have traveled to summer camps and even out of state with 4-H.

Before a planned seperation, make sure your child knows that you love them.  Let them know you are proud of them and excited for their new adventure.  Spend time with them planning for the upcoming event.  Guide them to prepare. This may mean helping them to shop and pack for the event.  Involve them in the preparation.  Don't do it for them.

Finally, you can make the transition easier by providing a surprise for them.  This could be a note in their school lunchbox or a care package sent to their college dorm.  However, be careful of hovering.  With today's technology, it may be easy to remain too involved by daily texting or emailing.  Use judgement and let them know you are available when they need to talk.

I received a short note from our daughter in the mail today.  Yes- I provided her with an addressed stamped envelope.  It began with, "Yes Mom, I am still alive."  The brevity of the text leads me to believe that she was in a hurry to continue her fun!  I guess I'll have to wait to find out what she did all week.  Isn't that part of parenthood--- learning to let go?

Helping teens develop a sense of purpose.

The headlines in our paper and talk throughout our rual town has been about the recent rash of burgularies inlcuding  dozens of reports of breakins, thefts and vandalism.  Even the skate park, which should have been appreciated enough to avoid damage has had to be closed because of vandalism. These events make me think that maybe the youth in our area do not have enough of a sense of purpose. Sense of purpose?  How does that relate?  I see numerous kids hanging out with too little to do on a daily basis.  They have no clear purpose in their everyday lives.

William Damone, professor at Stanford University did research (in 2008) on young adults/teens and their sense of purpose.  He found the about 25% of the youth were what he called "disengaged."  They are living only for the here and now.  They are out for a "good time" and not considering any longterm consequences. 

He labeled another 25% as "dreamers."  These are the youth who have unrealistic goals and expectations for their life.  They may think that they are going to have a profession like movie producer, rock star, sports hero.  I am not saying these goals are not attainable.  A young man comes to mind who is from Waterville and is a movie producer.  What makes him different from the dreamers is that both he and his parents had goals along with hard work meant to achieve his dreams.

Then there were the 30% that William Damone called "dabblers."  These were the young adults who try everything, but commit to nothing.  These people drift from one focus to another leaving no time to attain any goals.

Finally, only about 20% of the youth interviewed were labeled as "engaged" with a sense of purpose. Research has shown that people's happiness is at its peak when they are pursueing goals that interest, compel and challenge them.  It's also important that people feel that they are doing something that matters and will make a contribution to life.

What can we do as parents?  I think all of us have to help our children, especially teens to find their own path to purpose in life.  We need to continually keep the communication going about both short and long term goals.  This may be as simple as, "What are you going to spend your time doing this summer?"  "Do you want to get a job,  volunteer or work on your soccer skills?"  " Are you saving up for a car?"  Discuss how short term goals can lead to achieving their long term goals like college or a career.  Too much idle time is good for no one. We all need that sense of purpose in our life no matter what stage we are at in our lives.

"I'm bored"----- and summer has only just begun.

Yes- just one week after school ended for summer vacation I heard it, "Mom, I am so bored." I was waiting to pick my own child up from a sport's activity and began to really think about this.  Children's ability to play and entertain themselves has seemed to diminish over recent years.  I am not refering to organized activities provided for our children.  I am talking about the ability to just "play."

In recent times, play for children has tended to revolve around specific activities, sports or toys that regulate and steer the child's play.  Think back to the days when children created their own toys and played using their imagination. A stick was a pirate's sword.  A blanket could become a tent. 

Research has proven that play is just as important for physical and mental health as getting enough sleep, excercise and a balanced diet.  It can help turn negative feelings into positve ones.  It often relieves stress.  Play can also build interpersonal connections.  Play increases physical activity.

Play also teaches children all kinds of life skills.  Playing some games teaches math skills. It encourages children to get along with others.  But the most important thing I found when reading about the benefits of childrens' play, is that it develops the important cognitive skill of self-regulation.  It teaches children how to use self-control and discipline.  This also means it helps them learn to resist acting on impulse.  This skill is critical in all areas of our lives.  According to research, as children use imaginative play less, so has this skill developed less in today's children. 

As we try to be good parents and provide activities for our children throughout the summer, we can not forget to leave unstructured time for play.  I don't mean time to zone in front of the TV or hours on the computer playing video games.  I mean time to be either alone or with friends and using their imaginations.  Tell your children to, "Have fun and go play!"

Selfish or Selfless?

It's gone viral- a commencement address that tells the graduates that " You're not special!"  Why do you think this has been viewed by so many with few contradicting the statements made in this speech?  Maybe because we have let ourselves raise a generation of selfish children.

No one will argue that children are born  with the "me syndrome."  Even as teenagers, youth are self focused, believing that everyone is looking at them. These are normal developmental stages.  Our job as parents is to teach our children to grow into selfless adults who give back to their world. We need to teach children that real giving is done with no strings attached.  Giving should be done without expecting recognition or reward. Giving should not be about how much money you can spare.  It's also not about just giving things away that you no longer want.  A gift should not be measured by the size, but rather its meaning.

How can we teach children these things?  Families need to make giving a part of everyday life.  It may start with teaching your children how to share.  Then it can be involving them in choosing gifts for birthdays or Christmas.  Parents can model random acts of kindness.  Children should also be setting aside some of their own money to be given to charity.  Help them learn about different organizations serving others and how they can become involved.  When it's possible and age appropriate, explain to them about other people's needs.

I won't argue that children have to become aware of themselves and feel important and loved.  But I think we can all do better when it comes to helping youth grow into caring, giving, selfless adults.  If we begin by modeling this type of behavior in our own families, our children will stand a better chance of becoming selfless, not selfish!

Benefits of an involved father----

Father's Day is just around the corner.  I want to reaffirm the importance of fathers' involvement with their children.  I googled and found numerous articles, backed by research, that stress the importance of fathers in their children's lives.

We know that mothers and fathers are certainly different in their interactions with children.  Did you know that babies as young as 3 months can tell the difference between their father and mother?  When playing, fathers tend to roughhouse and be physically challenging. This can help the child to learn about acceptable behavior and self-control.

A difference between fathers and mothers is that mothers tend to protect their children, while fathers often push their children. This encouragement by their father can help to teach children to take on new challenges. Fathers also tend to discipline in a different way.  Fathers lean towards fairness, justice and duty according to rules.  Mothers often lean towards grace and sympathy in their discipline role.

A few statistics regarding children of involved fathers are:  These children tend to score higher on cognitive tests and achieve more in the educational setting.  These children are often more emotionally secure.  They are also less likely to become involved in violent behaviors.  Children of involved dad's often take active and positive roles in raising their own children.  These children usually have healthier relationships with the opposite sex. 

A father does not have to live with his children in order to have these positve effects.  Non-resident dads can play an active role in their childrens' lives. It is best for children to grow up with a healthy balance of involvement from both parents whether they live together or seperately. As your family celebrates Father's Day, keep in mind that dad should be involved with his children as much as possible in their daily lives.  Happy Father's Day!